If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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