It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i came on her dog
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
