Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Someone shattered a urinal.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
