I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You almost got us killed.
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