is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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