It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize