i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I have aggressive nipples.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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