I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
