Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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