Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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