my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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