his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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