I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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