Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
