Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
