Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
