I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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