I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
