my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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