I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
