Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
