Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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