I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
