Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
