a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
