Don't make out with my wife yet
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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