i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
