So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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