Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
