When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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