my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
