My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
