Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
