i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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