he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
