I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
