I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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