Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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