I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
