Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
