I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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