I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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