At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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