Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
