so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
