Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Randomize
