I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
