I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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