Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
