They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
false alarm. still invincible.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
false alarm, still single
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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