so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
