Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
