you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
im holly from the hills drunk
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
