I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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