No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
