how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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