I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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