If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
