The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
