Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
