my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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